Mom Died
Mom had a premature painful death - What does that mean for my faith ?
Reflections on what my faith means to me, even when my mom (who was the most faithful and Christ-like person I knew in the whole world) died way too early and also painfully.
1. Death of the righteous isn’t beneficial for God
Psalm 88, verses 9-12 [Death of the righteous- Do you work wonders for the dead? Do the departed rise up to praise you? Is your steadfast love declared in the grave, or your faithfulness in Abaddon? Are your wonders known in the darkness, or your righteousness in the land of forgetfulness?
I do not understand why God chose to let mom die. Honestly, even if there were a reason that God would tell me (hypothetically), I am most certain that I would have found a way to refute this reason on any possible grounds that my mind could possibly think of. But, the fact that mom had to die so early, barely past $60$, is something that causes significant pain to me. Had she died at the ripe old age of $85$, it wouldn’t have hurt this much.
This post, is an honest confession of a believer who is currently struggling to reconcile the death of his mother with the loving and ever rescuing nature of God.
2. Mom’s last words to me
The last things my mom said to me before she died were the following.
Alex, I am not worried about you. You will achieve great things in life. But you will not achieve them if you do not read the Bible.
Even though she was in pain and agony on her last day (she died from type 1 respiratory failure caused by a $5.5$ year fight against cancer), she still clung on to her faith with every last morsel of strength. She refused to let any feelings of helplessness or abandonment (by God) lessen her faith. Although, she cried even on her last day for the chance to live for another $10$ years, she still leaned “inwards” towards her faith, while simultaneously warning me not to lose mine. Even in her final hour, she put herself in my shoes and thought about how I would react to my faith, given that I would very soon lose my mother—a feeling that she had never experienced.
Alex, you have to teach the bible to Aura.
My sister is in an inter-faith marriage- which in a traditional country like India, is in all regards something very tough to pull off. I have only positive things to say about my brother-in-law and his family, they have been an extremely reliable source of support for us; choosing to show love and support over the last two years, especially when we needed it the most. However, one of mom’s last wishes before she died was that my wonderful niece (Aura), have the chance to read and understand my faith. Upon special request, a pastor who is close to our family, hurried over to bless Aura, about $30$ minutes before mom passed away. This was God’s last gift to mom. Still too little in my opinion, but something nonetheless.
3. The choice in my hands.
As I reflect on what has happened, I am left with two choices- lean into my faith and accept mom’s death (hoping that God will eventually allow me to partially understand why?) or choose to abandon my faith and live life without constraints (i.e. YOLO).
I am inclined to do the former. Even if it is a tougher (and possibly fruitless) route to take—if nothing else, it would atleast fulfill mom’s last wishes.
4. What alternative is there?
This might seem like an unusual comparison, but I find my personal situation with my faith very similar to the 2008 financial crisis (as I cannot help but acknowledge that my faith is at an all-time low). $2008$ was arguably the most terrifying time for investors. While many investors thought it was the end of the world as they knew it, other legendary investors (like Howard Marks) had a different take; which I quote below.
No choice, but to believe
Will the financial system melt down, or is this merely the greatest down cycle we’ve ever seen? My answer is simple: we have no choice but to assume that this isn’t the end, but just another cycle to take advantage of.
Nobody Knows
I don’t see any viable way to plan for the end of the world. I don’t know any more than anyone else about its probability, but I see no use in panicking. I think the outlook has to be viewed as binary: will the world end or won’t it? If you can’t say yes, you have to say no and act accordingly. In particular, saying it will end would lead to inaction, while saying it’s not going to will permit us to do the things that always have worked in the past. We will invest on the assumption that it will go on, that companies will make money, that they’ll have value, and that buying claims on them at low prices will work in the long run. What alternative is there?
The alternative to faith is to believe that life is happenstance—completely random and equally good (or bad) to everyone. It also follows that nothing in life happens for a reason and so the only conclusion is to live life the way you deem fit, before you eventually die.
My take on this argument is simple: my insistence that life and faith are intertwined is every bit as ridiculous as your conviction that life is simply happenstance. We’re both standing on the same ledge, but facing different directions.
The former gives me hope for a better future, whereas the latter makes me feel alone and deserted.
5. I am choosing to keep the faith.
I am adding this paragraph to keep myself accountable. I am choosing to keep my faith. I am choosing to work on areas where my faith is weak and where I have the greatest doubts on the existence of God. I am choosing to read the Bible and hoping that one day I will be in a much stronger position than I am today. And I am hopeful, that if someone in a similar situation happens to read this post in the future, it will serve as a source of support and encouragement to follow in my footsteps.
1 Thessalonians 5:14
Encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with everyone